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| Self Portrait 2009 |
Once I took my own advice and started looking around my life, I made many decisions that I was sure would take me from where I was (unhappy) to where I wanted to be (happy). In some cases, I was right. I let go of a relationship that no longer fit my idea of "happily ever after". While it was difficult to make the move from married to divorced, it was the best choice I could have made. The man I married deserved more than I could offer, and even though the adjustment period for our son was probably painful and confusing, I'm certain it was the right move. I immediately became a more loving, happy parent, and my home became light hearted and filled with laughter again. In exchange for ending a marriage, I was willing to let my life to take the hit which is always required by divorce. And take the hit, it did.
The daisy chain of events that take place post divorce sometimes go unforeseen and without contemplation until it's too late. At the time, my emotional need to get out of the relationship was so strong that I didn't consider how it would affect all other aspects of my life. So, when I could no longer manage to keep my high paying job that required a daily commute, and was forced to take a new position closer to home, the downward spiral of events were quietly set in motion. The new company required extensive out of state travel and with no partner to cover the back end of child care, dog care, bill care, house car, lawn care etc., those things went completely unattended. While I barely managed to deliver the kids and the dog to safe places while I was traveling, (two kids, one dog, three directions) the upheaval was constant. What I didn't realize is that the day to day household responsibilities were like a busload of screaming children speeding down the highway with no one at the wheel. I couldn't hear them screaming. I was out of town. When I arrived home from my travel, I felt overwhelmed, tired, stressed beyond belief, and was faced with the realization that by solving one problem, I had created a few others. I did, however meet a man. And that's a story with a life all its own.
Eventually my wonderfully compassionate new boss, (who has since become a life long friend) gave me a choice. Understanding that my life had become unmanageable and that success was going to escape me this time, he lovingly told me that I could either quit, or be fired. The decision was mine and he would support either choice. Having just experienced a failed marriage, the thought of being fired was more than I could take. On my last day of work, sitting in an upscale bar with a cold beer in my hand, I spent all of 13 seconds reviewing the pros and cons of being fired versus quitting. I chose to quit. This of course, was a huge mistake. It later became obvious that while I was avoiding short term emotional pain, I was simultaneously choosing long term financial ruin. Without unemployment to carry me from one lily pad to another, I was mid air without income. I was emotionally beat to a pulp, completely out of touch with the runaway bus and desperate to lift my dampened spirits. The solution became obvious. My soul was begging me to resuscitate my creative imagination. I needed to mentally escape to an oasis where beauty, love and pleasure dominate, and where nothing but goodness can be found. Knowing EXACTLY where that place is for me, I did nothing but read cookbooks from the comfort of my bedroom until my spirit was completely revived. It took 45 days.
Emerging from my fortress, I felt renewed and was ready to have some fun. The kind of fun I found came with a very high, invisible price. It was the Rumpelstiltskin kind of price that sneaks up on you during the night...the price that you've forgotten you owe.
And as you're rubbing your eyes, trying to figure out who's in your room, he tells you that he's taking your baby.