From 40 to 47...All I can say is "Really?"

Self Portrait 2009

Life has taken me to some interesting places since I turned 40. At 40, I was just beginning to contemplate what my "best life" might look like, and do my best to commit in making it happen. It's been 7 years since I've shared what life has taught me and there is a reason. I didn't know until now. Where I've been and what I've seen has brought me to now. So, this is only the beginning of how I got to 47...


Once I took my own advice and started looking around my life, I made many decisions that I was sure would take me from where I was (unhappy) to where I wanted to be (happy). In some cases, I was right.  I let go of a relationship that no longer fit my idea of "happily ever after".  While it was difficult to make the move from married to divorced, it was the best choice I could have made. The man I married deserved more than I could offer, and even though the adjustment period for our son was probably painful and confusing, I'm certain it was the right move. I immediately became a more loving, happy parent, and my home became light hearted and filled with laughter again. In exchange for ending a marriage, I was willing to let my life to take the hit which is always required by divorce. And take the hit, it did.

The daisy chain of events that take place post divorce sometimes go unforeseen and without contemplation until it's too late. At the time, my emotional need to get out of the relationship was so strong that I didn't consider how it would affect all other aspects of my life. So, when I could no longer manage to keep my high paying job that required a daily commute, and was forced to take a new position closer to home, the downward spiral of events were quietly set in motion. The new company required extensive out of state travel and with no partner to cover the back end of child care, dog care, bill care, house car, lawn care etc., those things went completely unattended. While I barely managed to deliver the kids and the dog to safe places while I was traveling, (two kids, one dog, three directions) the upheaval was constant. What I didn't realize is that the day to day household responsibilities were like a busload of screaming children speeding down the highway with no one at the wheel. I couldn't hear them screaming. I was out of town. When I arrived home from my travel, I felt overwhelmed, tired, stressed beyond belief, and was faced with the realization that by solving one problem, I had created a few others. I did, however meet a man. And that's a story with a life all its own.

Eventually my wonderfully compassionate new boss, (who has since become a life long friend) gave me a choice. Understanding that my life had become unmanageable and that success was going to escape me this time, he lovingly told me that I could either quit, or be fired. The decision was mine and he would support either choice. Having just experienced a failed marriage, the thought of being fired was more than I could take. On my last day of work, sitting in an upscale bar with a cold beer in my hand, I spent all of 13 seconds reviewing the pros and cons of being fired versus quitting. I chose to quit. This of course, was a huge mistake. It later became obvious that while I was avoiding short term emotional pain, I was simultaneously choosing long term financial ruin. Without unemployment to carry me from one lily pad to another, I was mid air without income. I was emotionally beat to a pulp, completely out of touch with the runaway bus and desperate to lift my dampened spirits. The solution became obvious. My soul was begging me to resuscitate my creative imagination. I needed to mentally escape to an oasis where beauty, love and pleasure dominate, and where nothing but goodness can be found. Knowing EXACTLY where that place is for me, I did nothing but read cookbooks from the comfort of my bedroom until my spirit was completely revived. It took 45 days.

Emerging from my fortress, I felt renewed and was ready to have some fun. The kind of fun I found came with a very high, invisible price. It was the Rumpelstiltskin kind of price that sneaks up on you during the night...the price that you've forgotten you owe.

And as you're rubbing your eyes, trying to figure out who's in your room, he tells you that he's taking your baby.

One of the coolest things I've seen...Luna in real time....she's glorious!

CURRENT MOON moon phase info

Forty and Three  

As a Woman Turning 40

I've just turned 40. For a woman, that means a lot of things you can never really understand until you get there. And frankly, there is no real need to wonder about it until you stumble upon it. For one thing, you've made it through your 20s and 30s, which usually involves, if you've lived as I have, lots of wine, many men and some good live music. If not, well, then you may not have much to settle down from. In my case, I've strayed further and further away from those things in past several years to find myself suddenly looking into the eyes of a 40 year old woman who is staring right back.

There are a few strange but glorious things that take place when you're a woman just turned 40. I'll share just a few of my recent observations. First of all, older women welcome you as if you have finally made it into the club...however hard the miles, you've made it to the wiser years, the more empowered years...the cross over from wayward lands to a focussed journey. These women take their time, and look deeply into your eyes when you are speaking. They have rich and interesting stories to tell, and more times than not, can tell you the lesson they've pulled from each one. They listen closely when you speak and smile with their eyes when they know what you mean. They read more, value quiet time and take more baths. Their friendships are solid and their tolerance for rudeness, minimal. These women have something special to offer if they happen to befriend you...but they observe closely before they open their hearts or their mouths. They are wise and kind. They are 40 years of age or older.

When you find yourself having turned 40, the 18 to 20-something-girls are no longer threatened by you. They seem glad to see you moving over, making way for their thinner bodies, heathier hair, and smoother skin. When they speak to you, they are occasionally respectful, and sometimes seem unsure of how to address you. They gently acknowledge that you are certainly not one of them, but look at you sometimes as if you might have been cool at one time. Occasionally they disregard your opinion, and sometimes choose to ignore your presence altogether. It's truly as if God has placed an invisible curtain between us, the 40 year+ woman, and the 18 to 20-somethings. But strangely, I sense the invisible curtain is not meant to alienate us or keep us from looking backwards with envy, but is more to keep us from being distracted from the powerful place in which we find ourselves. I sometimes notice the 18 to 20-somethings from a distance and find myself feeling a quiet sympathy for them. I sense they have years of courtship, heartache, love, betrayal and confusing choices ahead of them. I know they will often wonder and deeply worry about what people think of their clothes, hair and makeup, and they will struggle with choices that involve the wishes of parents, teachers, girlfriends and lovers. And many will spend hours getting ready for a party, and still feel invisible once they arrive. Going back would be a curse, and so I am often grateful for the veil that separates us. I have not once wished to be younger than I am.

So, with all of this, what else have I learned from making it to 40? I've learned that true, deep friendships are timeless, and that they are few in number, but rich in value. As the years go by, I am more aware of this fact. I've stopped considering my mothers opinion when I make life changing choices. I've begun focussing not on how I look, but how I feel. I've stopped doing things that diminish my joy in life, and have begun spending more of my time doing things that put a smile on my face, and a bounce in my step. I've stopped trying to guess what will happen next, and have learned to trust the unknown. I have become tired of chasing unimportant things, like social status and shiny reputations, and have become passionate about creating an interesting life that I can be proud of. I have spent many hours alone, contemplating how I can offer the world my best. But, most importantly, I have stopped wanting for my children the things that I find important, and have begun learning about the things that they value.

I wouldn't go back, even if I could take what I know now with me. I feel fortunate to have made it this far alive...and I've earned my membership into a privilaged club of women who see clearly, love sincerely and honor who they have become. Not a bad trade for healthier hair and smoother skin.

And by the way, when I get ready for a party, I rarely feel invisible. There's a confidence that comes with turning 40. The 18 to 20 somethings will see what I mean when they get there...in the mean time, I will be reminded to comment on their great shoes and perfect lip color.

Alex Living His Best Life

Litchfield Beach, South Carolina September 2003... 

"Live Your Best Life." What does that really mean?

Live your best life. What a concept. I'm not sure who came up with it first, but Oprah seems to have set the world on fire with the phrase. She put it on the front of "O" magazine, and ever since, there have been millions of authors, gurus, coaches, speakers, and athletes telling us how and why we should live our BEST life.

All of this hoopla about living your best life provoked a question in me. Don't we all try hard to "live our best life"? Isn't every moment a struggle to do JUST that? Who sits around and ponders how little they are doing to make their dreams come true? How many of us strive to live our worst life? No one I know. From where I sit, we are all doing our best, even when our best is pretty ugly. If we could do better, we would, right? So, asking us to "live our best life" is really asking us to do what, exactly?

I've pondered this for hours wondering what it is that I am doing or not doing to live my best life. After all, if that's the goal, am I getting it? Am I doing it? Are my decisions leading me to it? I mean, of course, I want my time here to be well spent. If there's more fun to be had, I certainly want to have it. But, is living your best life, the same as living the most pleasurable life? Sadly, probably not.

What I've come up with is this. The value of hearing or reading the command, "Live Your Best Life" is not around the doing part initially, but around the understanding that your life can be better than it is right now part. When you see or hear those words, you can't help but ask yourself, "Am I living my best life?" Sure, I'm living my own life, but is this really the best I can do?" The question force feeds your consciousness with the awareness that you have the power to make things happen...and that if your life is not exciting you, inspiring you, or provoking joy in you every day, then you are probably NOT living your best life.

And how do I know that living this way is even possible? Here's the latest news flash. There are many people on this earth who wake up every day feeling excited, inspired, and joyful about their lives. Amongst them are the authors, gurus, coaches, speakers, and athletes I referred to earlier. They say that life doesn't get any better than that, and that living in the moment, being joyfully aware that life is a fabulous gift every minute, is possible. Sounds good to me. But wait. I don't feel that every minute of every day...And sometimes not at all for many days. Now what happens?

Here's what happened to me. Once I asked myself "Is this the life I would wish for if anything was possible?" and came up with a few "No" answers, I began to notice the parts of my life that could use a face lift. It became apparent that there are things I would change if you could. And that led me to the realization that I can change most of those things if I really want to, and the things I can't? Well, I can always decide to feel differently about them, and in doing so, alter how they affect my life. Here's a key idea though. Realizing that I have the power to change my life allows me to exercise it. Once I feel that power, with little effort I can begin noticing the things in my life that are not lending themselves to my "best life" and start setting groundwork for positive change.

I'm warning you, once you begin to clearly see your dreams and you begin owning them as desires, it can be frustrating to realize how far you are from living them. However, ignorance is not bliss, or I would've been blissful when I asked myself the "Am I doing my best?" question in the first place. They say it's not the destination, but the journey, that is where the best lives are lived. So, I tell myself to be excited for the work ahead. No one said the best life is the easiest life. Truth be told, I find this idea, especially disappointing on low energy days when anything easy is welcome.

So, ok, I have to admit it. Once I began this process, it became hard to stop thinking this way. I mean, once you get this, you can not unget it. However, it does take faith in myself to keep going, and a lack of interest in what others think about my life to stay on track. Oh, and another thing. The minute I begin to compare my best life with the best life of someone else, my progress comes to a screeching halt. After all, the idea is "Live Your Best Life." not "Live a better life than that guy over there." The only guarantee is this. Just by pondering the question, "Am I living my best life?" you have begun making positive changes in yours. This question is the starting point to self empowerment and life improvement.

What does "Live Your Best Life" mean, anyway? It defines putting your best efforts towards improving all areas of your life, every day. It calls you to challenge yourself to be a better person every day, regardless of your starting point. No one could ask more of you. And, you couldn't ask more of yourself. Well done Oprah. I get it now. No wonder you're so damn rich.