As a Woman Turning 40

I've just turned 40. For a woman, that means a lot of things you can never really understand until you get there. And frankly, there is no real need to wonder about it until you stumble upon it. For one thing, you've made it through your 20s and 30s, which usually involves, if you've lived as I have, lots of wine, many men and some good live music. If not, well, then you may not have much to settle down from. In my case, I've strayed further and further away from those things in past several years to find myself suddenly looking into the eyes of a 40 year old woman who is staring right back.

There are a few strange but glorious things that take place when you're a woman just turned 40. I'll share just a few of my recent observations. First of all, older women welcome you as if you have finally made it into the club...however hard the miles, you've made it to the wiser years, the more empowered years...the cross over from wayward lands to a focussed journey. These women take their time, and look deeply into your eyes when you are speaking. They have rich and interesting stories to tell, and more times than not, can tell you the lesson they've pulled from each one. They listen closely when you speak and smile with their eyes when they know what you mean. They read more, value quiet time and take more baths. Their friendships are solid and their tolerance for rudeness, minimal. These women have something special to offer if they happen to befriend you...but they observe closely before they open their hearts or their mouths. They are wise and kind. They are 40 years of age or older.

When you find yourself having turned 40, the 18 to 20-something-girls are no longer threatened by you. They seem glad to see you moving over, making way for their thinner bodies, heathier hair, and smoother skin. When they speak to you, they are occasionally respectful, and sometimes seem unsure of how to address you. They gently acknowledge that you are certainly not one of them, but look at you sometimes as if you might have been cool at one time. Occasionally they disregard your opinion, and sometimes choose to ignore your presence altogether. It's truly as if God has placed an invisible curtain between us, the 40 year+ woman, and the 18 to 20-somethings. But strangely, I sense the invisible curtain is not meant to alienate us or keep us from looking backwards with envy, but is more to keep us from being distracted from the powerful place in which we find ourselves. I sometimes notice the 18 to 20-somethings from a distance and find myself feeling a quiet sympathy for them. I sense they have years of courtship, heartache, love, betrayal and confusing choices ahead of them. I know they will often wonder and deeply worry about what people think of their clothes, hair and makeup, and they will struggle with choices that involve the wishes of parents, teachers, girlfriends and lovers. And many will spend hours getting ready for a party, and still feel invisible once they arrive. Going back would be a curse, and so I am often grateful for the veil that separates us. I have not once wished to be younger than I am.

So, with all of this, what else have I learned from making it to 40? I've learned that true, deep friendships are timeless, and that they are few in number, but rich in value. As the years go by, I am more aware of this fact. I've stopped considering my mothers opinion when I make life changing choices. I've begun focussing not on how I look, but how I feel. I've stopped doing things that diminish my joy in life, and have begun spending more of my time doing things that put a smile on my face, and a bounce in my step. I've stopped trying to guess what will happen next, and have learned to trust the unknown. I have become tired of chasing unimportant things, like social status and shiny reputations, and have become passionate about creating an interesting life that I can be proud of. I have spent many hours alone, contemplating how I can offer the world my best. But, most importantly, I have stopped wanting for my children the things that I find important, and have begun learning about the things that they value.

I wouldn't go back, even if I could take what I know now with me. I feel fortunate to have made it this far alive...and I've earned my membership into a privilaged club of women who see clearly, love sincerely and honor who they have become. Not a bad trade for healthier hair and smoother skin.

And by the way, when I get ready for a party, I rarely feel invisible. There's a confidence that comes with turning 40. The 18 to 20 somethings will see what I mean when they get there...in the mean time, I will be reminded to comment on their great shoes and perfect lip color.